From Darkness to Light

by Philip Sherman

How can we move through those darker times after some person or event has deeply hurt us?

Even the strongest of us will at some point in our life feel deep regret, sadness, anger or pain. These feelings are not a sign of weakness, but simply natural reactions or consequences to whatever we may have experienced or gone through. Ignoring, hiding or repressing such feelings might initially seem to be the bravest thing to do, but in reality it takes more strength and courage to face life head on and live in truth as a real human being. Pain is unfortunately inevitable in life, but how we react to, process, and perhaps even use that pain can make the difference between a life lived in victory or one languished in defeat.

Move into your pain to pass through your pain. Become fully aware and face the situation as it is. Understanding the true source and nature of this pain may give you some clues as to how to transcend it. Don't consistently try to avoid or navigate around all of life's unpleasant things, but approach them straight on, pass through them and grow. You will come out on the other side a much stronger, more self-empowered person if you do. Denial is kind of like a temporary bandage, which will only cover and hide this shadowy thing. As it is often said, "What you resist, persist." By facing this darkness for what it really is, you are going to force it out into the full light and power of your being, where it cannot survive for long, or continue to grow. Your greatest resource will be the power that you can realize and discover from within.

There will be times when close friends, trusted family members, or those that we hold in high respect might accidently or deliberately hurt or disappoint us in some way. This might create the deepest pain of all, as a deep sense of trust or perhaps even love of some kind has been unexpectedly shattered and torn. It is important to not assume full responsibility for such incidents or blame yourself for perhaps being a bit too trusting or naive. Many times in such cases, the abuser might have had a clear position of perceived power or control that would have been impossible for a younger child, weaker person or trusting friend to adequately defend themselves against. In such cases, it is important to remember that it was not your fault. You were only acting honestly and being true to who you were in the situation at the time

Even as a strong, fully functional, empowered adult, it is important to not take anybody, especially those closest to us for granted or treat them with disrespect. There is a subtle truth behind the saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt." Just because certain people are related by blood or are close to us in some way, does not give them the right to be rude or disrespectful. Respect is not a duty or obligation that should be blindly given, but comes as a result of something properly earned. Be flexible and forgiving with everybody's occasional weaknesses, and tolerant within reason to all, but never accept any form of deliberate, continued abuse or neglect. In such cases, confront this person directly and resolve the issue, or if need be, separate yourself from this person; and in extreme cases such as sexual abuse, physical violence, or deliberate harassment of any type, report what has happened to the proper authorities, no matter who the wrongdoer might have been. Seek to protect both yourself and others who might not yet be capable of protecting themselves. Extreme abuse of this type is unacceptable and should never be tolerated or ignored.

There is only one thing we have direct command and control of - if we choose - our mind. While it might be true that we can't control all of the thoughts, words or actions of other people or the outside world; we do have the power to more closely observe and control our mind. Once we can become more aware of the meaning that we place on things, and how we interpret and react to the world, we can then become more aware of how to change and improve upon ourselves by using the strengths that we all have within.

People or problems that may be currently bothering you might be able to do so because they are perceived as being bigger or greater than you in some way. Once a person can change their perspective, empower themselves, and internally grow, these so-called challenges will quickly shrink and become powerless against the greater force that you have called upon and built from within. These problems of the past will become little trials, silly annoyances, or perhaps even amusing life challenges or games. Little problems, big problems, easy paths, difficult paths - all of these concepts are relative. Our success in handling any of these things comes down to the image that we have of ourselves, our personal beliefs and our perspective of the world. It is a shift of focus from watching and reacting to the outer world, to building and creating a greater world within.

"If you change the way you look at things,
the things you look at change."
~ Wayne Dyer

Become aware of your "self-talk" and monitor what kind of questions you are repeatedly asking yourself. After going through some terribly dark event, we often tend to deepen the pain even more by re-playing it again and again in the dark mental world of "What if ....?" "If only ...." or "Why didn't I ....?" As soon as you catch yourself thinking like this, get tough and really put your foot down on these little voices in your head. What happened has happened. You should never downplay or deny certain events from the past, but at the same time, to continuously repeat what has happened again and again will only result in driving the pain even deeper in your mind. How can you escape this endless loop of despair? Change the movie in your mind, and focus more upon what you can productively do now. In a way, it is a blessing that we can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Shift the focus of your attention through the use of more helpful, empowering questions and considerations, such as:

What did I learn, or how have I grown or become stronger through this experience?
Are there other people that I could talk to for help and guidance that might also have gone through a similar situation?
How could I help, comfort, or give something positive to other people who might also be going through a similar experience such as this right now?
Is there anything I could do now to help reduce or eliminate the chance of this event from ever happening again .... and if there was nothing that could have been done at the time, what is the point of remaining helplessly frozen and imprisoned in the past, instead of looking for new and better things to focus upon and do now?

"Forgiveness" is an overly advised, misunderstood word, that should be more correctly thought of as "release yourself from," "free yourself from,” or simply "let go." Perhaps the worst thing to initially advise somebody who has experienced great suffering or pain at the hands of another is to suggest that they try to "forgive" that person and their actions. In many cases this is initially not possible. I would like to address this challenge, and give my own personal idea of what forgiveness, especially for the purposes of self-healing should actually mean.

First of all, "forgiveness," which I am re-naming for the rest of this blog as "releasing yourself from" or "letting go" does NOT mean admitting, forgetting or concluding that what the other person said or did was justified, correct, or "not all that bad." We should all, without exception, be held fairly accountable for whatever wrong we might have said or done; and when necessary, be prepared to face the natural consequences of our actions. There is a natural balance in the universe that if exceedingly pushed to one side or the other, will in time, fall back to that perfect center known as equilibrium, divine justice or natural truth.

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

Newton's Third Law

I will leave the determination of what is legally or morally "right" or "wrong" up to our justice systems and your own personal feelings and beliefs. What I would like to discuss for the purposes of personal healing in this blog is the even more important concept of letting go. Letting go of the hurtful words or actions of another person does not deny what the other person has said or done, or let them off the hook. Letting go should also not be done just to appease or comfort the other person, or temporarily smooth over a bad situation. Letting go is primarily done to heal and free yourself from the damage and pain that has been unwantedly forced upon you. Look upon the act of letting go as a personal gift of healing, peace and freedom mainly for yourself.

Victims of cruel acts often wait and expect the wrongdoer to apologize, admit that they were wrong, or say that they are sorry, but unfortunately in many cases, these apologies may never come. Waiting for such hopeful but sometimes unlikely apologies may simply result in locking your own heart to the past and giving the wrongdoer the key. Waiting and expecting for another person to one day become miraculously enlightened and magically improve in their ways may only result in your own voluntary surrender and attachment to an impossible dream. Waiting for a person to suddenly adopt and live in the standards and ways that you may have created for yourself may only result in bitterness, disappointment and long-lived frustration, as well as restricting you own ability to continue to simply live and enjoy life.

"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
~ Rumi

Here is a post titled "You Will Not Have My Hatred." which was posted a few days after Antoine Leris had learned that his 35-year-old wife of 12 years had been killed during the terrorist attacks in Paris. He was obviously devastated, but refused to surrender his future or freedom, or that of his little boy, by lowering himself to the same hateful levels of these terrorists. He didn't "forgive" them in the sense of pardoning these killers for what they had done, but was clearly able to release and free himself and his innocent child from the anger, fear, and hatred that these terrorists have dedicated their lives to everyday. Perhaps one day Antoine will face these terrorists in a court of law, but even if he cannot, he has already decided to find and choose freedom and peace for both himself and his little boy. As he said in his post, "The terrorists have ultimately lost."

How do you let go? .... by letting go. How would you let go of a dangerous, venomous snake that somebody has viciously handed you? By putting it back on the ground where it came from and then calmly walking away. By continuing to hold on to this snake in a tight grip of anger and hate, you are simply giving this snake more power and opportunity to endlessly disturb and possibly harm you.

I am not suggesting that you have to "forgive" this snake. The snake is just being what it naturally is. What I am saying is that releasing and letting go of toxic things like this snake is the only way to truly break away, find peace, and be free.

Being unable to release and let go of the people and events that have hurt us in the past will only energize, empower and keep them alive in our mind. There are many troubled souls who are still haunted by the memories of unkind people who have long since left this earth, simply because these ghosts have been kept alive through the power of hate, along with an inability for the victim to let go. Hating unintentionally gives power away to the very person or event that has brought so much pain. The only thing that hate or anger brings is more of the same.

Letting go means being able to release something toxic and not look back, and then choosing something higher and greater to live for. Letting go means to choose freedom through release, enabling us to walk out of the painful mental prison that we might have been wrongly put in.

Releasing and freeing ourselves does NOT mean forgetting or downplaying what has happened; or accepting, whitewashing or justifying the words or actions of another person. Letting go is more concerned with the healing and freeing of ourselves from the destructive mental chains of the pain from the past. Until we can separate and free ourselves from such pain, that person or bad memory is always going to have some degree of influence and control over us.

"Know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." John 8:32

You might have to lose in order to win. There are some unfortunate events in life that cannot be understood, justified or explained in any way. These are the times when temporarily surrendering to the moment and accepting things as they are might be the best and perhaps only thing that we can do. Once we can stop fighting or resisting what might seem to be unavoidable or impossible to change, we can then allow ourselves to go deeper into the silent power of ourselves to discover a higher, better way; to look upon this situation from a broader perspective and greater understanding. Instead of focusing or worrying about outcomes or results, it might be wiser to be more concerned with what kind of person we are becoming along the way. What we might consider as something unnecessary, painful, or bad, might from a higher perspective actually be helpful in some unknown, mysterious way. The best and fastest way to move through such darkness might be to focus mainly upon the light, look forward with hope, and continue to move on. Whatever we look for and think about long enough, is what we will eventually find.

"If you're going through hell, keep going." ~ Winston Churchill

For all of those who may be going through some dark times right now, I wish you the best. Sometimes, just silently stepping back for a moment from your troubles and mentally placing yourself outside of the situation will allow you to see things from a new perspective that may just help you to more quickly pass through and overcome whatever great challenge or tough place you may find yourself in. We are all bigger and greater than any of these things. All of the answers and solutions can be found within!